Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

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It still amazes me when the divorce rate is over 50% and shows like the Bachelor has ratings that are at a all time high that we still look for austere relationships in our society, when we clearly are losing touch with the morals, ethics and values that was the mucilage for such partnerships to exists. Today more than ever we are more into self-indulgence than self-restraint. In the past if you were hit on while in a committed relationship a majority we pass on the advancement knowing what they have at home and not jeopardize it. Today it’s a crap shoot. Men and women are both guilty nowadays the interconnection that was once held up on a pedestal is not on the ground floor. Open relationships seem like the more modern way  to having a loving partnership and still be satisfied where your lover may be lacking.

In an article in Vogue Magazine columnist Karley Sciortino explains her nine months “open” relationship with her girlfriend. She explains the sexual freedom she feels of not being pinned down with one sexual partner and how she during her run with her girlfriend how she would still find herself having sex with guys she met from various mediums whether online or a night club or a random hookup. Sciortino explains that she never really liked being monogamous in her male/female relationships and in her current one she explained to her girlfriend that she wanted to have sexual freedom. Now she still has the jealousy issues that a normal relationship has when her girlfriend has “company” over, but Sciortino says it’s a small price to pay. Author Dan Savage argues that sexual fidelity is not a prerequisite for a committed relationship.

Feeling the emotions of jealousy and discontent the author turned to somebody they knew who had an “open” relationship and was able to find their comfort zone within their homogeneousness parameters. “We wanted to be together, but we didn’t want to feel tied down,” Samantha told me. She explained that she and her boyfriend were the type of people who want to challenge societal standards. “Personally, I wanted to deconstruct the common idea of what a romantic relationship should be, and for our relationship to stand on its own.” The friend had even thought to bring a third person into the relationship to enhance the excitement and bonding experience. She also thought bringing in friends and people they both knew was acceptable, but the boyfriend wanted random hookups and strangers over her practical requests.

Still trust, respect and communication are the foundational elements that can make an open relationship work just like in monogamous ones. Rules are a good way to set the boundaries. They should realistic and incorporate the other feelings into consideration. For Sciortino she noted that her rules were: no sleeping with mutual friends, no sleepovers, no regulars and no sex within an hour of meeting them. Let’s hope that works

Another article I read in the New York Post was about a “triad” couple Ezza, Rachel and Matt who found themselves online and decided to meet in person back in 2009. The couple had chemistry and shared views on dating, love and relationships and immediately hit it off. “I was really excited to meet people who felt the same way,” she says of her ongoing relationship with the married couple, both 34-year-old self-employed artists, who declined to use their last names because of privacy reasons. Gette Levy of open love NY is a local support group for open relationships which now has over 1,000 members and has increased it’s numbers since forming in 2009. “Dating has changed over the past 50 years,” says Levy. “Many adults of all ages are finding that monogamy does not suit them and is no longer a fiscal and social requirement.”

To be honest with TV shows like “Sister Wives” and “Polyamory: Married & Dating” and celebrities like Robin Thicke grabbing Lana Scalaro’s behind and not face consequences with his wife Paula Patton. Even power couple Will and Jada Smith are rumored to have a “open” relationship,so how can it not entice the average person to see what’s it’s like? To add onto that Dolly Parton, Mo’ Nique, Tilda Swinton and even politician Newt Gengrich’s wife Marianne asked for a “open marriage”. Researchers in Germany and in the University of Wisconsin show that the women are the ones usually to initiate an “open” relationships after becoming bored physically with their partners who they’re been with multiple years.

Ezzo’s partner Matt agrees: “The biggest misconception people have about open relationships is that it’s a nonstop party. We only have 24 hours in a day and most of that is taken up with work, sleep and responsibilities to the home and each other. To see someone else takes a lot of planning. We live by the calendar more than the bedroom.”  “I feel like monogamy sets us up to fail in so many ways….that this one person is going to meet all of our needs — emotional, sexual, physical, spiritual, financial, physical — and that’s impossible,” says Taormino.

According to Time magazine most creatures including humans are not monogamous for the reasons you might previously would have thought of. One reason comes from Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences which finds that primitive males stayed with the female to ensure that their young were not killed by another male. The study was based on findings from the parenting behaviors of 230 different primate species over several generations. The males began the balance of spreading their gene pool and protecting their young. Other males would kill the young so they could breed with the mother and spread their gene pool. So monogamy in this case was more of a way to protect the lineage rather than a sense of a obligation to the sexual partner. “This is the first time that the theories for the evolution of monogamy have been systematically tested, conclusively showing that infanticide is the driver of monogamy,” trumpeted Christopher Opie, a research fellow in the Anthropology Department of University College London, in a statement. “This brings to a close the long running debate about the origin of monogamy in primates.”

The other theory about how monogamy came to be came from the journal “Science” made another similar analysis that used over 2,500 mammals. The findings from this research show that primates may have been monogamous because of location and supply for their counterpart. “Monogamy develops where females live at low density,” says Lukas. Males cannot fend off rival suitors from more than one female at a time because they’re too spread out. Therefore, they cannot ensure their young are the ones the female is carrying, so they stick with one female. “It’s a consequence of resource defense.” The Science study notes that in mammalian species that are monogamous, the females tend to be solitary and intolerant of other females. Unlike ungulates, who are rarely monogamous, these mammals’ nutritional needs are greater, and they therefore shoo off competitors for the food resources.The Science study is more speculative. “We are cautious on making any definite statement. Humans are such unusual animals,” says Lukas. Adds Clutton-Brock: “I’m far from convinced that humans are indeed monogamous.”

Do I think having an open relationship is the way to go? For me no, I having a loving strong relationship with my wife and do not want to jeopardize that. However, I can see why people choose to look outside their current relationship. I don’t understand when people want to demonize individuals for being honest when they say they want to be in a relationship with more than one person at a time. It’s those same people who will brand you with the Scarlet letter that need to clean their own house and get priorities in order. Sometimes your partner can have everything you want in a relationship, except one or two attributes you really want. While they might not be deal breakers for the relationship it might be something you still really want. Put it like this too many relationships I see today have too many secrets,no trust, no love and they think they are still living some antediluvian religious moral code by staying together because it’s just the two of them. What if having an “open” relationship is the answer to a hard question one of you wants to ask?, but doesn’t because of the fear of sounding like a sexual deviant.

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I got such a great response from my last blog about cheating and the increasing percent of women cheaters, I thought to myself I want to continue this discussion.It turns out that there are actually websites devised with the sole interest of meeting, hooking up and covering up individuals who are looking for an affair or a fling outside their current relationship. I wanted to know more about this industry and exactly how their business works.

Ashley Madison a site that has expanded its brand of discretionary avocations across the globe. While the site has 70% male visitors the rate of women is increasing according to CEO Noel Biderman. In an article of GQ a few women are interviewed to understand why they are looking outside their marriages or relationships to find something new and in particular why are they using Ashley Madison to do it. They are called “Lady Don Drapers” in the article. The first woman Megan who has worked for one the highest political figures this generation admits to having an affair with not one, but two men per year and some women here and there. Megan refers to herself as “I’m a dirty old man in a woman’s body.” Her preference is young men in particularly “eye candy”. Megan calls her husband “super-vanilla” and says they have a happy household and he’s great with the kids. So what am I missing here?

Another woman Gloria praises Ashley Madison for finding her way to publishers of magazines, CEO’s, politicians, and managing partners at law firms and investment firms. Gloria says love still holds the marriage together, even though she admits that she doesn’t believe one person will fulfill her needs. She says even if she divorced her husband and married someone else it would only be a matter of time before she would lose interest physically. Gloria admits that she loves her husband, but she not willing to give up her strong sexual urges.

The company is getting some unexpected,but equally welcomed business from recent political scandals. Noel Biderman notes that says the once largely taboo topic is making more and more headway into the mainstream. “Tide is starting to turn” notes Biderman. “As the Spitzers and Weiners come back onto the stage,” so he hopes investors from “Wall Street and Canada’s Bay Street will look at this business as something they want to fund.” Biderman shares with Bloomberg magazine that his family and friends funded the website initially and within six months he was able to return the investment of 1 million dollars.

Ashley Madison is now the third largest paid dating site in the world with members in over 26 countries and 90 million dollars in revenue for 2012. With over 20 million members the company is setting it’s eyes on infidelity in Asia. In June the marketed in Japan and were able to snag over half a million people in just three months. “It was our most successful launch ever,” says the CEO. They since launched in Hong Kong its 29th market which has 80,000 members. “There is an unfaithful, sexual revolution,”…….Usually Asian culture is seen as being more conservative, but Biderman uses the argument that infidelity is in our DNA.

Biderman defends the website, making the point that he doesn’t force people to cheat. He provides the platform for those individuals who have already made up their minds to step out on their spouse. Out of the 160,000 women on the Japanese site 68% of them are married women. A lot of them are the ones who stay at home while their husbands go to brothels and massage parlors which are legal in Japan. Biderman has noticed that the percentages of unfaithful women does vary region to region. Typically Latin American women have lower female adultery rates when compared to North American and European women.

18% of single men signed onto the Hong Kong website where generally only 9 – 11% would sign up. The company expects to expand to 10 – 11 more markets in Asia before 2014. With no marketing Ashley Madison had over 325,000 trying to sign on in mainland China. While the company has had a fair amount of advertisements on radio, tv and social media. Some stations are not willing to partner with the company still. Facebook refuses to air any ads from the company and Fox and NBC wouldn’t air any commercials during the superbowl for the company. Biderman is still optimistic for the company’s future. Biderman believes infidelity can save marriages, Dr Sandy a lecturer at the department of Sociology at the University of Hong Kong says that infidelity may not destruct a marriage depending on the couples outlook on the institution of marriage.

Considering that there are couples who cannot find there sexually or emotionally significant other within the structure of their marriage they may find comfort and satisfaction with someone else. Dr Sandy makes the point, that when couples can’t agree and have deceived the other party in the relationship that is when the problems occur. Another opinion shows the popularity of the company and the website a sign of the times. The sign that people are becoming more self-centered individualistic and less likely to sacrifice for marriage and family when it comes to self-fulfillment. Biderman sees himself side by side with other industries that profit off of infidelity like hotels, jewelry stores, pornography, strip clubs, and massage parlors.

What do you think? Is he just filling a void with his company? or is Ashley Madison becoming more of an enticement to make it easier for those to cheat?  Let me know what you think?

 

Plus, other strange criminal sentences having to do with matters of the heart.

 

The former lawyer in me was totally intrigued by this story I read this morning involving a very unusual combination of a judge’s sentence in court and a defendant’s love life. It’s not often I get to combine my former and current jobs, you guys! Here’s what I read about today:

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Sentenced to: Take a break from dating

A Nebraska judge doled out an unusual sentence for a man who was part of an attempted burglary, but hesitated at the last minute and didn’t go forward with it. Because the judge deemed the defendant had a “moral compass,” he sentenced him to a fee and probation–and part of the terms of probation is a ban on romantic relationships. The judge, like everyone giving post-breakup advice, actually said, “You need to focus on you.”

More from Glamour: 25 Celebrity Hairstyles That Will Make You Want Bangs

Previously-licensed-​to-practice-law Gena said “Hmm, I’m not really sure that’s constitutional,” butcurrent-dating-blogg​er Gena said, “Hmm, I wonder what other weird punishments involving people’s love lives are out there.” Here are four more unusual sentences I found during a little research this morning that are at least loosely tied to love, sex, or relationships between men and women:

Sentenced to: Public humiliation

A teen who was caught stealing porn was sentenced to sit blindfolded in front of the adult video store, blindfolded and holding a sign that read “See no evil,” as an alternative to 30 days in jail. According a local resident, he was “humiliated.”

More from Glamour: 10 Wardrobe Essentials Every Woman Should Own

Sentenced to: Listen to love songs

In an attempt to cut back on repeat offenders for noise ordinance violations, a Colorado judge took to forcing violators to sit in a room and listen to his choice of music for an hour, including Barry Manilow and The Platters’ “Only You.” OK, fine, this one technically doesn’t have to do with anyone’s dating habits, but forcing people to listen to cheesy love songs is pretty funny.

Bing: Which celebs got divorced this year?

Sentenced to: Dress in drag

An Ohio judge sentenced two young men to walk around their hometown for an hour dressed in dresses, wigs and makeup, after they threw beer bottles at a woman in a car (NOT COOL, GUYS). They were interrupted when a spectator threw a bottle at them and hit one of them (karma), but they finished their walk, and hopefully learned to be respectful of women and all other fellow human beings. The alternative was 60 days in jail! These guys got off light, considering half the dudes I know are secretly thrilled to do this for more than an hour every year on Halloween.

Sentenced to: Take your wife to Red Lobster

When a Florida husband forgot to wish his wife a happy birthday, they ended up in a domestic dispute wherein he pushed her, put his hand on her neck, and held a fist up to her (although didn’t actually hit her.) The judge sentenced the man to buy his wife flowers and a birthday card, and take her to eat at Red Lobster and then go bowling (her requests for a date.) The judge said he wouldn’t have gone that route if there had been actual violence, but this was a “minor” incident. Hmm, not sure I’d consider that description minor, but at least he also ordered the couple to attend marital therapy? I don’t know, yikes.

What are your thoughts on these unusual punishments? Any other romantic sentences you wish you could punish people with?

Original Post –http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/the-heart-beat-blog-post?post=01f9fc5d-8d9f-4171-bacb-d882dc4d4e06